when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
