I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
