Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
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