My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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