she woke up with a sticky ear
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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