guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
