First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Let's get the cat blown out
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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