If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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