Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
