You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
