I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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