I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
