I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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