It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
did i walk over a car last night?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
