how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
