mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
