Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
