And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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