based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
