i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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