We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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