it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
