so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
