I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
