im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
