last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
