do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
