Kiss
Puke
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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