The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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