Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
