Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize