i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
