All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
