You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
someone owes me an orgasm
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
