that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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