There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
