i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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