I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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