He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
