Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
