The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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