I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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