My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
