The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
