Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
