I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
