well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
