my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
