my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
