Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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