he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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