Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
